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Mismatched libido is one of the most common reasons couples come to see me. It's where one person is wanting sex far more frequently than the other partner.
It's a tricky dynamic that can create a lot of disconnection, pressure and stress on both sides, and it often gets worse over time.
This isn’t because anyone is doing something wrong on purpose, but because both partners fall into patterns of behaviour that accidentally make the differences worse, not better.
For more support, I recommend booking in a couples program, where I gently help you identify unhelpful patterns, improve your sexual communication skills, and help guide you back to more connection, intimacy and pleasure (without any of the pressure!).
If you’re the partner who wants sex more in your relationship, this can feel incredibly hard. You might notice you're always the one initiating, and feel like it's only you that wants sex. You’re probably feeling rejected and confused - especially if this has been going on for some time. You might not know what your partner likes anymore, or you might feel exhausted from trying everything you can think of.
You’ve likely made a genuine effort to be understanding for a long time, and it's quietly chipped away at your confidence and sense of connection. It can also start to feel deeply personal, as though your partner doesn’t find you sexy or attractive anymore. And that hurts.
What makes this even trickier is that some very understandable reactions can accidentally widen the gap, even though your intention is to bring you closer.
Here are 8 things you might be doing (without realising) that could be making mismatched libido worse.
It’s understandable to withdraw when you hear “no” because you feel rejected and feel disappointed, and that's human.
But when you sulk, turn away or go quiet after hearing “no”, it can land as punishment. Your partner may start to feel guilty or punished for asserting their boundary, which can make initiation feel scary. They can start to fear having to say “no”, and that fear piles on more pressure — and pressure is never sexy. It only makes mismatched libido worse and shuts desire down.
Never pressure, guilt or try to convince your partner into sex if they’re not in the mood. That kind of pressure can unintentionally coerce your partner into saying “yes” even when they don't truly want to, and that’s not fully consensual.
Start: Accept "no" gracefully
When your partner says “no,” lean towards them, not away. Smile and thank them for being honest. This can also be an opportunity to say:
It doesn’t need to lead to sex. It could be a cuddle, a massage, a movie night, or simply lying together and talking.
Responding to “no” with warmth and curiosity builds trust and reduces pressure. Over time, these small moments help your partner feel safer saying both “yes” and “no” — which is essential for desire to grow.
When your partner tells you what’s getting in the way of their desire, it can be tempting to label these as excuses. You might find yourself thinking, “I don’t understand why that would affect sex this much.”
But when their ‘brakes’ are dismissed or not believed, it ends up making your partner feel unheard and emotionally unsafe. As a result, they’re less likely to be honest and open with you. If your partner is telling you what’s contributing to their lower sex drive, listen to them. Don’t dismiss them as ‘excuses’.
Some common contributing factors to low libido
These things might not affect your desire for sex, but they do impact many people’s desire.
That’s often because many people experience what’s called ‘responsive desire’, meaning desire for sex doesn’t just appear out of nowhere, it builds over time. It usually starts outside of the bedroom, when someone feels relaxed, supported, and emotionally connected.
Start: Reducing their stresses
Try listening to your partner’s ‘brakes’ with empathy and curiosity. Ask yourself, “How can I help reduce their brakes?”. That might mean helping reduce their stress by sharing the mental load or creating more space for rest and connection. Reducing pressure and stress is one of the most effective ways to make room for desire to grow.
One of the biggest mistakes mismatched-libido couples make is that they slowly stop touching each other day to day — just because.
If you’re the higher-libido partner, this probably happened because your partner started pulling away from touch, and that rejection stings. After hearing “no” so many times, it makes sense that you stop reaching out unless sex feels (hopefully) on the cards.
But here’s the problem, when touch only happens as initiation, your partner can start retreating from all touch, because every kiss or caress starts to feel like it comes with an expectation. Over time, non-sexual intimacy disappears, and with it, connection and desire.
Touch doesn’t need to lead to sex for it to be meaningful. One of the best ways to build trust and reduce retreating from touch is to show that touch doesn’t have to lead to sex.
Start: Daily, pressure-free touch
Instead, start doing amazing and non-sexual touch without it leading to intimacy.
Ask your partner: “What kind of touch do you enjoy?” and remember — there is no expectation of sex.
That might look like:
The goal is to build trust that your touch isn’t an expectation or a setup — it’s an invitation for connection. This helps you build the 'simmer' back into the relationship.
This one is really easy to fall into — because sex is emotional, vulnerable, and personal.
When your partner doesn’t want sex, it’s natural to assume it’s about you. You might feel rejected, less confident, or worry that they don’t find you attractive anymore. That sting is real. But most of the time, their low libido isn’t because of you.
Nine times out of ten, it’s because they have a responsive desire, and life is full of potential ‘brakes’ contributing to their low libido.
Start: Listening and be a team
Rather than assuming it’s about your relationship or their attraction for you, try to get curious about what’s going on for them and what their brakes might be.
Avoid blaming or making it their fault, and show kindness and empathy. Losing libido can be quite distressing, confusing, and upsetting. Your partner might genuinely feel sad or disconnected from their body, or from you.
When both of you feel heard and understood, finding a connected middle ground becomes much easier.
Sex is an important part of relationships, so when it’s not happening, it can feel painful and awful. But saying things like “you’re not meeting my sexual needs” adds pressure, guilt, and a sense of obligation — and none of those are sexy.
People want to feel wanted and desired, not needed. They don’t want to feel like a body that exists to fulfil someone else’s needs. Your partner doesn’t owe you sex, and framing it as a “need” often makes them shut down rather than lean in.
Start: Exploring your mutual desires
Shift the focus away from what’s missing and towards what feels good for the both of you.
Get curious together and talk about:
Start outside the bedroom — with activities, experiences, affection, and compliments that you both genuinely enjoy. Start creating the 'simmer' together.
If sex is completely off the table right now, it’s okay to meet some of your sexual needs solo in the short term. Learning how to make masturbation as pleasurable and fulfilling as possible can reduce pressure on the relationship while you work on this together.
Making jokes about sex is usually an attempt to lighten the mood. You can feel how heavy and tense the topic has become, and you’re trying to bring some playfulness and flirtation back into the conversation. That intention makes total sense.
But for someone struggling with their libido, sexual jokes rarely create excitement. Often, those jokes feel like more pressure.
Unless your partner is very playful and genuinely enjoys humour as a form of sexual connection, jokes about sex tend to fall flat. Instead of building desire and connection, constant sexual references might pick at a wound in the relationship and reinforce a feeling they have that ‘you only care about sex’.
Start: Speaking their love language
Ask yourself, “Do I know my partner’s love language?” And if you’re not sure, ask them and learn it.
They might enjoy sexual banter and flirtation. Or they might be craving something entirely different, like quality time, acts of service, affection, words of affirmation, or feeling supported in practical ways.
Once they tell you what they want, actually do it. Actions build connection, connection builds trust, and trust lowers ‘brakes’.
If they say, “I’m really craving family time,” make space for that. If they ask for tech-free nights or some earlier nights will help, try it. If they need more help around the house, remember — chore play is real!
It might not feel like it has anything to do with sex to you, but they’re communicating what helps them feel connected.
Foreplay isn’t just what happens in the bedroom — it’s the entire relationship. When you speak your partner’s love language consistently, you learn to connect with each other in the ways that matter most to both of you.
Over time, initiation often gets lazier — and it makes sense. To avoid the sting of rejection, naturally, you’ll protect yourself by putting in less effort. If you’re the partner that has been initiating sex over and over again and hearing “no” many times, you’re also most likely thinking, “It’ll probably be a no anyway”.
But a half-hearted fondle at the end of the day is unlikely to get them in the mood, and they’re waiting for desire to magically appear (it doesn’t). It rarely creates genuine desire, particularly if your partner’s stress levels are high or their brakes are already on.
Start: Learn your initiation styles
Struggling with initiating sex is incredibly normal — especially when desire starts outside the bedroom, often hours earlier.
Ask your partner:
Take the time to learn their love languages, initiation styles, erotic blueprints and how to trigger responsive desire. This will help you initiate in the ways that help lower their ‘brakes’ and increase their ‘accelerators’.
Book in a session with me to start learning how to connect in the ways that actually work for both of you!
When sex isn’t happening as often as you’d like, it’s very easy for every conversation about intimacy to centre on what’s missing.
But if the only time sex comes up, it’s framed as a problem or a complaint, the topic starts to feel heavier and heavier, and pressure builds up.
If every mention of intimacy highlights what’s wrong or absent, your partner may start to brace themselves the moment the topic comes up.
Start: Talk about the good stuff
Rather than saying things like “You never do this anymore” or “I miss when you used to kiss me like that”, show gratitude and appreciation for the positives.
Some good things to talk about: