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Navigating mismatched libido and/or different sexual desires and needs is a really tricky situation and it’s one of the most common reasons couples come to see me.
In fact, it is something that most sexual relationships will go through at some point in life. Think about it - sex drives are always changing, so what are the odds that your sex drives will stay exactly the same year after year?
Navigating these different needs will be really important for the future happiness of both of you. Don't sweep it under the rug and think it will go away on its own. It won't.
Over time sex might become more and more pressured and couples feel forced into one of two sides. Connection & open communication are key to help both people find their middle ground and get both their needs met. Don't wait until you stop having sex and your sexual dry spell has lasted 6 months, or even 6 years.
Often, once couples have had these conversations they have far more in common than they think! For example:
When you realise this, it’s time to lean forward, open up the communication, and come up with some ideas for what you are both needing!
Please book in a session or check out my couples programs - helping you find your happy middle ground.
I have also created Pillow Play - a collection of fun and educational sex and intimacy games, videos and ideas for couples - helping couples improve their communication, connection and sexual chemistry.
Here are some initial tips to help you get started when it comes to mismatched libido:
Everyone has different emotional, sexual, physical and intimacy needs. Whether you have a higher or lower sex drive don’t convince yourself that your sex & intimacy needs don’t matter or aren't as important.
Sex, pleasure, desires and intimacy are healthy & normal. Sex can improve mental health, physical health and the strength of our relationships.
Other married friends might tell you ‘it’s normal to stop having good sex’. Don’t listen to them. You deserve great, consensual, pleasurable, connected sex and intimacy, year after year.
Never have sex out of obligation, guilt, or pressure. It will only make you resentful of sex and intimacy, and make you desire it even less. When you do this, you are overriding your own consent and saying “yes” when you really mean “no.” This is a slippery slope and can lead to deeply unpleasant experiences for both partners. Listen to your own body and your own embodied consent, and only say “yes” when you truly feel it.
Learn how to say “no” to sex with warmth and respect, and suggest other ideas for physical or emotional connection. “No” should never lead to disconnection.
Consent, respecting boundaries, and open communication are always the most important things for a long and happy sex life together. Pressure is never sexy.
Sex drive changes depending on how many brakes and accelerators are present:
This is why foreplay is the entire relationship. What might be affecting your desire(s) for sex right now? What might you be needing more/less of in order to increase your sex drive?
We all crave sex for different reasons. Often our sexual, emotional, physical or emotional needs can be met in lots of different ways without any pressure for penetrative sex or pressure on our partner.
All of the games in Pillow Play have been designed to help couples have incredible intimacy and date nights without it necessarily leading to sex. At the end of the course you will found so many new ways to connect and get your needs met!
For example:
“I need intimate physical touch” - Try massage, sensual touch, dancing, sharing a bath/shower, cuddles, sensation play.
“I need to emotionally connect to my partner" - Try a date night, tantra, quality time, trying new things together, phone free time
“I need to sexually connect to my partner" - Share nudes, read erotica, dirty talk, watch porn together, give/receive erotic massage, play a Pillow Play game, masturbate together, explore tantra. Sex is lots of things - get creative.
“I need physical release / stress relief / dopamine hit” - Try mindful masturbation, edging, exercise, or other self care/ self pleasure
Join one of my regular workshops for more ideas.
Before having ‘the talk’, reflect on your side. Some questions you could reflect on:
When you’re ready, chat openly about what’s going on for each of you. Try to understand your partners side with curiosity, empathy & love. This has probably been really hard for them.
When people feel heard and understood, navigating a middle ground for both your needs becomes possible.
Never judge or shame your partner for their higher or lower desires, or make this all about you. Differences are very human, and very normal.
These conversations can be really tough. Open up the communication and remove any defensiveness/criticism. Book in a session if you need support.
Don't dismiss your partner. Listen to them with empathy. Take off the pressure. Often, once they have had these conversations couples have more in common than they think!
Bring back intimacy, connection, flirting, adventure, quality time, playfulness, physical touch, fun & excitement. These are rocket fuel for attraction, chemistry and intimacy.
Download and play my 15 Pillow Play games. It's all about taking the pressure off sex and empowering couples to learn and try new things with one another in a pressure free environment.
Check out Slide & Melt, my body-safe massage oil and candle, perfect for those exploring temperature play, sensation play tantric massage and erotic touch. It helps you slow down, relax, and connect with all five senses—deepening your connection with your partner.
Try my 30 Daily Love Rituals worksheet. It helps couples figure out each other’s love language and learn how to speak it daily.
See each other as lovers again (not just flatmates/friends). Learn how to maintain attraction to each other. Schedule time for date nights, adventures, and learning new things together.
Life is too short for average sex.
Stop settling for routine sex and instead prioritise your pleasure!
Be curious, try new things, try sex games. for couples, learn top tips for hot sex, and educate yourselves about libido, bodies, desire and how to talk about sex without the awkwardness.
Consider booking into my couples sex and intimacy programs. You will learn what you like, how to ask for it, how to navigate differences, and get lots of ideas for trying new things together and getting both your needs met.
Know that you won’t always get it right – and that’s okay! Create a safe space for experimentation, learning and play in your sex-life.
Our practitioners at Bedrock are committed to helping couples and individuals have more joyful, confident, and connected lives. Book in a session today to start your journey.